“Being the man my son will be and my daughter marries” defines the lens of parenthood through which I now see myself. Viewing who I am through this lens forces me to look at everything I do with greater scrutiny and deliberate effort. My mantra found me through a series of life experiences, two of which standout as defining moments.
Several years ago, I was in the bathroom at the end of another evening getting ready for bed. Going through my bathroom ritual, I began with flossing, then brushing, and finished with a rinse. Cool mint Listerine is my weapon of choice. I filled up the screw off cap just to the threads and tossed it back like a shot, never letting my lips hit the cap. Then I went to work swishing the stinging fluid up and down, back and forth, and side to side. While standing there he appears to me in the mirror. MY FATHER!
The image of my dad starring back at me while gargling stopped me dead in my tracks. His pursed lips, bulging cheeks, and that distinct rhythm. My movements in this routine act were exactly like his. However funny this may have been, it scared me because I don’t know why I picked it up.
As a young boy I remember very vividly wanting to be just like my dad. I wanted to wear what he wore and eat what he ate. When he put on his old school cream deodorant I wanted some too. The mouthwash was a bit of a battle. My dad took it straight and I wanted it that way too. The problem is, original Listerine is like iron melting acid in the mouth of a six year old. With great disappointment I had to take mine mixed with water. These and many other habits I remember being deliberate about copying. The actual gargling pattern was not one of them.
Another event that lead to my mantra was having the great fortune of being dumped by my girlfriend. She told me there was a new guy, and I felt like Roy Jones Jr. just hit me in the gut. A short while later with the wound still stinging, good fortune struck for me. Due to some unfortunate circumstances I found myself in her presence with new guy on his way. I have to let you peek under my rugged exterior to make a point so don’t laugh too hard. Besides, you know you have been there at some point too. Anyway, now I am wondering is he taller, better looking, makes more money (which wouldn’t have been hard then), have a nicer car, what’s the deal?
The moment of truth had arrived, I was face to face with the “new guy” and I was confused. He’s shorter, not better looking if I do say so myself, and my car was nicer that his. Well, just a little bit. The way I saw it, I had this guy beat hands down. Once we shook hands and began a strained conversation the fog was lifted. This guy had some of the same characteristics as her dad. While I was jaded of course, the similarities that stood out weren’t the best ones by any standard.
I am sure this guy was paying more attention to her than I was. He probably did all of the nice things we men do to get in and it worked. The disturbing part was his negative traits were the ones that seemed to attract her. Maybe she wasn’t attracted to these traits but at least she identified with them. I said to myself “if this is what she wants, I couldn’t be that guy if I tried”. I went home all cured of my broken heart. What a great day!
Many times I have heard stories first hand and otherwise, of women in similar situations. For better or worse, they are with men like their fathers. Often times women find themselves in horrible circumstances because they seem to be uncontrollably drawn to something in their boyfriends and husbands is like dear old dad. Fortunately the reverse is true as well. Women go out of their way to be with the “bad boy” end up with good guys like their fathers. Either way, having a child of my own makes this responsibility all too sobering. It is not just a matter of being careful around our kids because they are watching every thing we do. Our kids are absorbing who we are whether parent or child knows it or not.
I want my son to be his own man and I know he will. However, I am becoming more aware that everything I am is there for him to take in conciously or unconciously. So I will err on the side of caution and focus every day on “being the man my son will be and my daughter marries”.
